Birth of a new year..

The new baby's about to come, the head is crowning. God the Father and Mother Nature have named this baby TwothousandandSIX. You can almost hear him cry. For with his birth, it brings many possibilities and hope, you know he will be with us for just one year then he will have a new sibling but that is in the future, we are talking about the now. In three days time, he will make his first cry, joined by millions of people around the world who shout with joy, albeit some drunk joy, that the New year, the new baby is here.


Many reflect, in my family it's a time for forgiveness, a time where old hurts are washed away literally and figuratively. Visions of us kids hiding on the top of the roof pouring ice-cold water down unto unsuspecting adults come to mind. Everyone is wet, everyone is washed clean, tears are diluted and everyone is happy. For the new baby year is here. So much hope. so much love. So much to give...


My new years resolutions

• Bring about world peace *or argue less with people*
• Work smarter to get that promotion
• Re-fine my pastry skills
• Love more.
• Finally get fit! a.k.a lose 10kgs
• Listen more to people without bias or prejudice
• Read more
• Surround myself with genuinely nice people.
• Be more tolerant, less a slave to gossip and more a friend to empathy.

Happy New Year Duckies. 2005 has been a rollercoaster for me.

Fun, guilty, exciting, excruciating, used, envigorating and eye opening.

Come new years let us make it a point to be kinder and better souls.

***watch this space***

Suggestion : Get a couple of friends, dress up in school uniform and smoke outside the school gates during monday assembly.

~chuckles~

Merry Drinkmas and a Tipsy New Year

Have yourself a wasted little Christmas

Let your wine be white

From now on we'll throw out all the coke and sprite!

Have yourself a lil sherry this Christmas

make your tippisiness stay

Til New Year your soberness is miles away

Here we are Happy-hour day

Whisky sour days or more

Drinking friends who get drunk with us

Get pissed near to us once more

Through the week we all will be a sipping

Beer like Kobe cows

Hang a left! Avoid the police check somehow!

And have yourself a hangover this Christmas now

**Sung to the tune of *duh* 'Have yourself a merry little Christmas'

Not so perfect

Love, ah me.

Being in love is the greatest feeling on earth. Like you didn't know that. You know it. The fuzzy wuzzy funnies in your tummy. The I-can't-wait-to-touch-him-again feeling. Being in love makes you do irrational things. You'd buy him seven pairs of socks just so he's got one for every day of the week. You'd fake an illness for a hot session in bed. You'd tell your friends you've gone back to your hometown when you're actually in bed together for the whole time then tell your workmates how fantastically boring it was back there it was that you didn't know why you balik kampung in the first place.

Being in love makes you lie. ~chuckles~ makes you steal time, cheat death and run up a thousand dollar phone bill.






Then the rhythm sets in, you're home, he's not. He's home, you're too tired to layan him. The laundry piles up and you wonder where the heck your mad money went to. The very things that made you crazy for him is driving you mad. The way he walks, the way he talks in front of friends, the way he always wants things for him on his terms.

"You're in love, that's the way, it should be, and I want you to be happy...."

You get used to each other then the"in" part of being in love drops out and hopefully you still love each other. Love each other enough to be together and live out your dreams. Love each other enough to look past the not-so-perfect things you and him have intrinsically. Love each other enough to be truthful to each other. Sometimes love each other enough to let go.

"What is love? baby don't hurt me, no more..."

Though things are not-so-perfect, he still loves you. You still love him. Maybe you should brave the storm together because you've got each other bad or good, weak or strong, rich or poor.

It's a good thing that they lgalised gay marriages in the UK, then people would think twice about just breaking it and going on a sex-spree because "it's not like we're married or anything" . This thing is called responsibility. Taxes, paying the rent, mopping up vomit, picking up the dirty underwear, cleaning out the sink, buying the groceries...

Maybe I'm just a traditionalist... my parents don't believe in divorce, neither do I.....



Maybe I'm just in denial because I am being used.



Maybe I just need a good fuck to get over it all.



Maybe I just need him.....

Meanwhile I'll just hang in there.

~chuckles~

~sighs~

Blissfully Yours

Even you'd feel like a star walking up those brightly lit steps toward velvety curtains and hearing the thumpthump thump of music as you enter. Good morning boys. Bodies gyrating, hips grooving, sunglasses worn and half smiles bestowed on the cute boy passing you by.

It's 1am and it's just beginning to fill up. Everyone's there. Young trying to look older so as to belie their teens, older men trying to look younger so as to belie their impending second childhoods. The music is loud. Then there is the hellos and how-a-yas? to pseudo friends and kindred spirits.

Then I see him, deep set eyes, shadow of a goatee *be still my heart* and a smile on his lips. I chuckle at the young indonesian boy hanging on to him for dear life.

"What do I do? I didn't do anything and he's all over me" says he. Like you don't like it baby. He's cute and young and willing. Just have some fun-lah. The music is thumping. The music is loud.

I can see he doesn't want to. He's playing the role. Just like the one he plays with his straight family and straight friends. On one hand he's a good Catholic boy who listens to his parents and works in a shirt and tie. On the other he's a gay boy. fullstop.

Catholic gay boy. Oh aren't we a rare race? ~laughs~

He's confused with boundaries and comfort zones. Although both have their limits but the latter is self inflicted and one is happy to be in it because it's where we can be totally ourselves and not pick up our used socks from off the floor for days on ends. Why put ourselves in a quandary when we can just not push it and be ourselves. It's the same with his other boys. It's all done in secret. Liasons only known after the fact. After the deed. After the breakup indeed. "I break people's hearts" says he. You don't have to baby. You don't have to do a lot of things like lead beautiful girls, who will make excellent mothers, on a leash when you don't intend to go for the slightest bit of a walk with them.

The music gets louder and louder before it melts away into some unidentified 80s hit and then the lights come on.

We gather ourselves and get going, with aforementioned cute indonesian boy in tow. We send the boy home. The boy is hopelessly in love already. I can see it.

work. nap. workworkwork.

~~~~~~~~~yawns~~~~~~~~~~~

Been surviving on three hours sleep a day for the past 8 days. Work has been hectic to say the least.
The laundry is piling up, my hair needs a cut but I LOVE the Christmas setting at the Pastry buffet at work!
It looks like we're in the middle of a snow storm... frosty pine branches, gingerbread houses groaning under the weight of royal icing snow and a chocolate santa smiling down on the guests. heheh I'm tired, real tired but sights of Christmas coupled with piped christmas music just makes me wanna say JOY TO THE WORLD!

~chuckles~

I'm off tommorow...

a time to sleep

a time to clean

a time to recharge

a time to finally make some unplanned mischief!

~chuckles~

13 days to Christmas people!

Spread that Good Cheer Around!

Wazza is O.U.T!

Merry Merry Merry

Ginger bread houses, chocolate trains, star shaped cookies, chocolate santas and elves, yule logs, Christmas candle cakes, fruitcake, Christmas pudding.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttt's beginnin to look a lot like Christmassssssssssssssssss

EEEEEEEEEEEEverywhere you go...

~chuckles~

They're even playing Christmas Songs at the Coffee House at the hotel.

21 days to Christmas and counting.

I don't know why I'm so excited about it this year ~laughs~

Getting nostalgic I think..

Slummin it

Things I eat when I feel like slummin it.

It's gotta be trashy or kitsch but totally delicious.

1) Cheezy wedges from KFC

2) Auntie Anne's Jalapeno Pepper Pretzels

3) Minnesota Twins Hotdog Combo from 1901

4) Cheezles - Large Bag

5) Pepperidge Farms White chocolate and macadamia nut cookies

6) Japanese Crepe stuffed with a whole snickers bars

7) Indo-Mie - original Flavour

8) Curry Puff from IKEA

9) Fried chocolate banana sandwich

10) Butterscotch pecan cookies from Famous Amos

They're sure to lift the spirits! Try one Today.

Hello

***sung to the tune of Hello by Lionel Ritchie***

I've been a virgin til I was 29

But in my dreams, I lost it quick, a thousand times

I sometimes wish I was more of a whore..

Hello, it's a lay I'm looking for

Can't you see it in my eyes,

In my own perverted smile

Some sex is all I wanted

and my legs are opened wide

Tell me how to be a tart

Cause I really wanna screw

But let me start by saying...

I'll fuck you

what the?

What's the deal with the plastic packaging for McDonald's Big Mac these days?

Didn't they ban it in the beginning because it was a threat to the environment? Or will they become artificial floating reefs this time round when they dump it into the ocean?

~tsk tsk tsk~

Do you miss him?

Amidst the going outs and energy-draining workloads which is the Hari-raya Rumble and the Christmas Tumble. Underneath pounds of christmas cookies, heaped bowlfuls of royal icing to make the gingerbread houses glisten like a winter wonderland. Between the hurried washing of week-old laundry and washing of day old flatware and the constant urgings to go out and shop for new things for myself. Do I miss him?


I haven't got the time.



No




I don't think so..




Time away indeed.




Loneliness is a state of mind. And a state that one delves in when one's physical being isn't drained and/or in constant excitement. Neither really applies to one. Which brings me to question... can I do without? Should I do without? Could I do without?



Love is really fickle..emotions are trickier than tempering chocolate on a humid day... You check on it, you stir it up, you hope that the molecules crystalises to a stable form then it'll all be glossy, strong and well.... tempered well.



I have no time, I have less emotions these days.



I just wanna be with me.



I haven't been in a long time.

Christmas Wishlist

I wish for...

Peace and Happiness on earth without the restlessness of boredom creeping into stable and happy relationships.

Wealth and prosperity for those on the verge without people selling their souls to the company stores to get it

Love and devotion for lovers without it descending into squabbles about the other being insensitive or oversensitive.

OK now that's all said (and hope Thy will be done)

Here's my wanton i-don't-care-if-i-sound-a-tad-materialistic list:

a) Lots and lots of money! Liza couldn't have gotten it right-er when she sang Money makes the world go around!

2) A spending spreeeeeeeeyeehaaaa... ~laughs~ If gutsy girl can lose her gut at marie france or something or another then I want it too. And get fantastic clothes in the process.

iii) a really really nice tattoo

d) some real tiffany's bling.

5) a laptop with the latest fixtures so I can finally put all the pictures in my camera into it and at the same time go online wherever i go ~sighs~

vi) A new handphone. ~sighs~ one with coloured screens and stereophonic sounds...~sighs~

That's it for now. ~chuckles~

Have a Merry Christmas! Jingle those bells, deck those halls!

This is an order!

~grins~

I love Christmas!

Christmas... Pretty lights on the trees!

Its that time of year again, I can feel it!

The stores are already stocking their shelves and floors with Christmas trees,

overpriced but beautifully adorned.

Christmas CD's are making their appearance

Christmas songs are making their way into my repertoire of Songs-I-Sing-When-I'm-On-My-Own

I'm already thinking of Christmas presents to give to the kiddies, big and small included

Christmas puts me in a lot of moods and here are some of them..

Christmas always gets me in a giving mood...

~grins~ I can't help but blow my budget at Christmas. This year maybe I'll give everyone Christmas cards and then put all their names in one hat and pull out three and give only three great presents this year. I'm always giving half baked lousy boring presents ~laughs~ maybe this year I can give presents that are really worth something. Not like bath towels or a Cinderella Video or God fobid Pillows!

Christmas always puts me in a singing mood...

When I was in high school. I always joined the Christmas Carollers, dividing my time between them and the St Simon Chapel's Choir singers. I loved singing in harmony and Christmas songs are just made that way. When sung in harmony it sends chills up my spine in a good way.

Christmas CDs to help with the season :

Jim Reeves Christmas (old favourite of the family)

Mariah Carey Merry Christmas (personal favourite)

New Kids on the Block Christmas Album (throwback from my childhood in the 90s)

Christmas always puts me in a sentimental mood...

Mariah Carey's Christmas Album tops the charts every year for me. Mariah is surely on fi-ah! (fire) *L* when she sings All I want for Christmas is you.

Christmas Memory : Me in Malaysia and my significant other is in Australia. Mariah really hit the nail on the head when she sang "I miss you, most at Christmas time, and I can get you...no no no no! Get you of my mind" I cired, then smiled of the times we were together, the early christmas we had. ~sighs~

Christmas Memory 2: Us kids having our own Christmas when our parents went to Bethlehem to have theirs. Then on the 27th, they came home and our family had Christmas dinner together. That was the best year. Two Christmasses in a year! Plus I had my first SEED outfit, beige pants with matching vest and a 100% white linen shirt.

Christmas always puts me into a drinking binge...

Oh goodness gracious. Being Kadazan just makes it an excuse to drink whenever there's cause and what bigger cause than to Celebrate Christmas? It'll be drinks at home (beer bought by dubious means, wrapped in black plastic bags and delivered to our doorstep) and then drinks with friends (at house parties), drinks at relatives houses, drinks at the clubs.. and it carries on til New Years eve!

Christmas always makes me appreciate my friends and family

Because they're there for moi when it matters most, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually. I don't even care if they don't celebrate Christmas, I'll wish them the best when it's the time.

Tis the season to be jolly.

So, don you now your GAY apparel!

and have a falalalala la la la la time this year!

Let go, don't be scared.

Dreams kept bringing you back to me

Like the forgotten words to a song

They keep haunting me

But now I know to dream in reality

Now even in my waking hours

you're just a dream to me.

I reckon that letting go is liberating. Even when you grip onto a bunch of beautiful roses so hard, the thorns make you bleed. Letting go releases all the pent up feelings in you. Letting go frees your hands and mind to hold and behold a host of other pleasures that had you transfixed before this. Holding on is one thing but hanging for dear life when the lifeline (or loveline) is as fragile as the camels' back just before the last straw hit it is, well, just a waste of resources, energy and time.

So now I don't hang on. I don't weep for lost sundays alone, I don't think of being alone as being lonely. It's empowering.

~chuckles~

I used to be scared of letting go, maybe scared that if I did, no one would be there to catch me. No safety net, no one to rely on, no one to put a band-aid on my wounds and kiss my boo-boos away. We forget that we could rely on ourselves. You, me... we, in ourselves are a great source of comfort for our own selves. So let go... young hearts, run free!

"Sometimes you wake up,

Sometimes the fall kills you.

And sometimes,

when you fall,

you fly."

- Todd Faber

Fables & Reflections,

"Fear of Falling"

The Sandman Series

Neil Gaiman

~~~~~duhhhhhhh!~~~~~~~

Scene 1

guest : what flavour ice cream do you have?

me: Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, green tea and saffron

guest: You don't have yam?

me : No ma'am we don't. Sorry about that. Would you like to try something else?

guest : What about sweet corn?

me : No ma'am, it's only chocolate, vanilla, srawberry, green tea and saffron

guest : Haaaiyah.... what about durian? don't have also ah? what kind of 5 star hotel is this... etc etc..

**you can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to eat ice-cream**


Scene 2


me (in my chef uniform) : Good evening sir, how may I help you?

guest : I want some coffee..(foot tapping impatiently)

me : You may order coffee from the wait-staff sir. They'll be happy to send it to you at your table.

guest : You mean you're not a waiter ah?

me : No sir, I am part of the kitchen crew (indicating my uniform)

guest : ohhhh like that ah? You have durian ice cream ah?


****

I guess when it comes to guests, even at a 5-star hotel, class isn't a pre-requisite. There are the genuinely nice guests who come up to us and say hello. But they're one in a million. There are some.... ~grunts~ like

a) The dessert destroyer. He comes and mangles all the beautifully garnished petit desserts like a heat seeking missle bound for hell. *smash smash smash* and the cheesecake lies in rubbles as if Iraqi planes had dropped bombs on known American sites.

b) The hound. Sniffs at every dessert and picks it up and scans it with laser accuracy before putting it down again and picking up a brand new untouched one leaving her thumbprints as well as her unhygenic germs on the once immaculate dessert platter.

c) The I'm-on-a-diet. Asks about the desserts that are low fat, low sugar low carb low everything. I restain from pointing out the banana leaves used to underline the malaysian kueh and saying sweetly, "That would suit you fine Miss" Oh ans she also cuts the slices of cake in half (although they are already quite small) because they don't want to eat it all and don't want to waste it.

d) The Chcolate fountain fiend. He comes, he skewers and he messess up the whole fountain dropping blots of melted chocolate everywhere that is clean and on the floor. He double dips his wafer fans! UGH who wants to eat your saliva buddy?

e) The Late Bloomer. They rack up to the dessert line 2 minutes before closing time and ask, are YOU closing ALREADY? **cue the daggers from the eyes** Then proceeds to ask favours like, I want everything that's chocolate or I want fresh crepes and two chocolate mint souffles plus seven ice kacang with assorted ice creams.

f) The Takeaway Towkay. Although they are so well off they still resort to asking for takeaway from the buffet line.I shake my head in disbelief ALL the time when they request for takeaway. Or worse, they wait til you're clearing the desserts and ask for it because "You're gonna throw it away anyway right?"


Okay I've had my rant for today.... talk about kitchen confidentials ~laughs~

Au revoir my lovelies!

Neil Gaiman

I take my hat off to this man. I wave my beanie to this man. ~chuckles~ I've just finished re-reading one of the many books by the ever grandiloquent Mr. Neil Gaiman.

Stardust.

Where the lands of Faerie and our world meet in the town of Wall. Reading his literature always transports me away from this world. It keeps me up nights and fuels my dreams for grandiose bursts of magicks and wonders.

I owe it to my sister, Marilyn whom, through her ways, secured copies of his graphic novel series The Sandman and Death. It's thought provoking, dream fueling and hell of a lot of entertainment found between the pages of a book.

He keeps my dreams alive and makes me believe in faerie queens and enchantments. Just the way Enid Blython did for me with goblins and worlds at the tops of trees when I was nine.

God Bless him.

Star light star bright

First star I saw last night.

It wasn't a falling star, it wasn't just ashes and stardust.

It was the divine Ms M!

No, no, no hollywood sightings (I doubt Bette Midler would be having buka puasa here) in dear ol KL but Ms. Sheila Majid.

Dainty, beautiful and luminious. I was star struck. She was standing right in front of me. The queen of jazz. The diva of all divas *in the best sense of the word mind you* and she asked for some Creme caramel. Sweet, smooth and filled with complex nuances.

~sigh~ I love her.

Babylon

"How many miles to Babylon

Three score miles and ten

Can I get there by candlelight?

Yes, and back again

Yes, if your feet are nimble and light,

You can get there by candlelight."

Ah Babylon, the city of sin, the city of unrepentant desires, the city of "lights, camera, action!", the city of unabashed wantoness, the city of fulfilled cravings.

I don't want to live in Babylon.... I just want to visit. ~chuckles~

it was a dream that i had..

it was a pixelated entity

black on the inside

colours of every spectrum on its fringes

it threatened with confusion, lovelessness and fear

it wanted sex sex SEX

it wanted all of me

all the time

i gave it my all

all except my dreams

my hopes my happiness

my joie de virve

last night i let it go

today i am still me

the me whom i know

the me whom i care and cherish

*last night I finally won against it. Now my dreams are mine again

here 'tis

So here 'tis. My own piece of the cyberworld. I guess that means I've finally made it to through the ranks. My life online, a short summary ;

1) I was an internet addict ever since I got netscape1.0
2) I became a chatroom-o-holic shortly thereafter
3) I had four different email addressess running at once, just to compartmentalise my friends
4) I had a "homepage" ~chuckles~ ain't that rich? It's still up an running if ya wanna see pictures of me 10 years ago
5) I have screen names/numbers at ICQ, internet messenger, yahoo messenger, ringo, sms.ac, glimpse.com, asianfriendfinfer.com and the list goes on
6) And now this, juniorsplaceintheworld.blogspot.com

No fanfare, no fireworks but no worries. The internet has been good to me. I've used it and abused it to my will and isn't that what the Gods of the Web intended to? Freewill and free speech unless you get caught bad-mouthing the govenment or selling child pornography.

I've been having these dreams lately, I'm between consciousness and deep sleep cycle. I remember colours. I always remember to remember the colours in my dreams. I've heard that it meant you're in love but I've been dreamkeeping for a long time now. More often than not, it's been in colour.

Back to the dreams, I'm asleep on my bed alone (in my dream) and someone or something is scaring me. I don't get scared that easily. But in the dream I am shuddering in my sleep. I wake momentarily and get lulled back into sleep again. I can feel my body shivering from the feeling (this is my dream still) and I really wake up and I still feel it. The deep profound feeling of being scared. I recite prayers to keep the feelings at bay. I know I'm dreaming in my dreams and I try to look for what is making me feel this way but I can't. Tonight I will.....