Lines that make the laughter..

Okay so this is a lame attempt at blogging, and to tell you the truth I haven't been thinking of much besides finding more laughter lately so here are some immortalised lines from three funny funny movies which I hope you will enjoy as much as I have enjoyed looking it up online..

Thanks to the Internet Movie Database for providing endless hours of fun for me!


Movie: Birdcage

Armand: All right, I'll bite, where are you going?
Albert: To Los Copa.
Armand: Los Copa? There's nothing in Los Copa but a cemetery.
Albert: I know, that's why I'm packing light.
Armand: Oh I see, so you're going to a cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.



Albert Goldman: Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
Armand: I made you short?



Armand: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.



Albert: He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!
Celsius: Chewing gum helps me think.
Albert: Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!





Movie : To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar

Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez: You know what Vida, you're not a queen because you rule people or you sat on a throne, baby. You're a queen because you couldn't cut it as a man so you had to put on a dress, that's why.



Noxeema Jackson: When a straight man puts on a dress and goes on a sexual kick he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has a little operation he is a Transsexual.
Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez: I know that.
Noxeema Jackson: When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender he is a drag queen.
Vida Boheme: Thank you.
Noxeema Jackson: And when a tired little Latin boy puts on a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress!



Vida Boheme: I think tomorrow is a "Say Something" hat day.




Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez: I'm a princess. "P" to the "R" to the "N" to the "cess". I'm a princess.


Noxeema Jackson: If you want them to know there is steak for dinner, you got to let them *hear* it sizzle! Understand?






Movie: Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.

Felicia: [singing] A desert holiday, let's pack the drag away. You take the lunch and tea, I'll take the ecstasy. Fuck off you silly queer, I'm getting out of here. A desert holiday, hip hip hip hip hooray!



Bernadette: No, I'll join this conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching about people, talking about wigs, dresses, bust sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody Abba!
Tick: Doesn't give us much to talk about then, does it?


Bernadette: [to Tick about Felicia] One more push, I'm gonna to smack his face so hard he'll have to stick his toothbrush up his arse to clean his teeth!


Bernadette: [to Shirley] Now listen here, you mullet. Why don't you just light your tampon, and blow your box apart? Because it's the only bang you're ever gonna get, sweetheart!



Mitzi: [to Felicia] You know, there are two things I don't like about you, Felicia... your face. So how 'bout shutting both of them?



Bernadette: What a nice dog. What's it's name?
Bob: Herpes. If she's good, she'll heal.



Felicia: [to Tick and Bernadette] I met these Swedish tourists called... Lars, Lars and Lars



Bernadette: [to Tick] Don't "Darling", me, Darling. Look at you. You've got a face like a cat's arse

Tsk tsk tsk

This is EXACTLY what you don't wanna be seen doing after a heavy boozy saturday night. Unconscious, ass crack showing, in a foetal position on the street with your girlfriend with her head between her legs. Tsk tsk tsk... If alcohol was discovered in recent years, it would've been deemed an illegal substance. Good thing the streets of KL are warm enough for you to have your slumber! LOL!

Didn't your mother...

Didn't your mother ever tell you NOT to sit on books little girl. Mother : girl, get up! That uncle will take your photo!

Hilarious in Lego.

Eddie Izzard. MJ introduced me to his stuff. He's hilarious. But his jokes done in Lego now that's just downright brilliant! Laugh along too.

You..Cake or Death??? Uhm I'll take cake please.. Well Give Him Cake!

...and this one's wet and this one's wet, and this one's wet.. did you dry these in a rainforest?

ok, you'll get the drift when you watch it.. go on, watch it!

Cake or Death



Death Star Canteen

Man Hugs

Go on.. give some guy a man hug, and here's how to do it!


How To Give A Great Man To Man Hug

er.. what are you?

Tai : Who is that Malay guy *gestures to me* ?
Kit : Warren? he's not malay lah.
Tai : Is he Chinese? How come he doesn't speak Chinese?
Kit : He's Kadazan lah...
Tai : um, what is that?

******

Cleaning Lady : You nie, orang apa? (what are you?)
Me : Kenapa you tanya? (why'd you ask?)
Cleaning Lady : Muka Cina, tapi cakap macam melayu tapi nama macam mat salleh
(you've got a chinese face, but you sound malay when you speak and then you've got a white-man sounding name)
Me : I orang Kadazan lah
Cleaning Lady : Ohhhhhhhhhh dari Sarawak ye? (ohhhhhhh From Sarawak??)
Me : Dari SABAH... bah!

*****

So I'm Kadazan, Kadazandusun to be exact. I've got an english upbringing, not to say that I was brought up in London but I do think in English. Thanks to my parents putting us in the library when we were children so we soaked up a lot of Enid Blyton's writings. So if you want a definition of Kadazan, here's one. A riotious one! Split my side, slap my knee kind of definition.

Courtesy of Urban Dictionary. Go on, Click on the icon and you'll find out the definition of Kadazan.

Who wouldn't want this shirt?

In the sizzling, smoldering, languishing-humidified heat of the afternoon, who wouldn't want a shirt like this?

I don't care if it makes me look fat! hahahaha! maybe they can make one out of spandex which when turned on can make you look more muscular by concentrating air onto certain parts of the body. hmmm... but whilst that's still not done yet, enjoy.... the USB Air Conditioned Shirt!

Which super hero are you?

We all would like to know which superhero we can be. I personally wanted to be a Super Hiro Nakamura ~grin~ so I could always and forevr be close to Ando. *every boy sigh!* But alas the new breed of Heroes are not included in this list, so I had to be contented to be

Superman

Superman 80% The Flash 70% Spider-Man 70% Catwoman 65% Iron Man 55% Supergirl 55% Robin 50% Hulk 50% Green Lantern 45% Wonder Woman 30% Batman 30%

You are mild-mannered, good, strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Powered by ScribeFire.

Christmas Daze

Worlds collided! The sanctity of what is and what is not changed bearing. Life as I knew it came crashing down upon me on that night of nights.

Nah, it wasn't all that dramatic, it went well to say the least. Y'all must be thinking, what the hell is this boy talking about....

okay rewind to conversation with Sister #2 24th December 2006 abt 3:40pm.

Joyce: So have you planned anything for tonight?
Me: ME? plan? You're the one who dragged dad all the way from KK to spend Christmas with us, so YOU were supposed to come up with the plan.
Joyce: OK I'll call around, maybe we can have our Christmas Eve dinner at Traders Hotel or Prince Hotel.
Me: You do that..

and so, 30 minutes later...
Me: So what's the plan?
Joyce: Everything's booked out..
Me: Duh... of course it is it's Christmas Eve... hmmm okay well i've got a plan, why don't you bring Dad and Elyssa to my place and have Christmas Eve dinner with my gay house mates and my gay friends?
Joyce: That could be okay... *nervous laughter*
Me: it's set then, come over later, we're cooking dinner for some people anyways.

OKAY guys, we gotta do something about the "PORN" in the living room.





Colin: you think we should hide the
Queer as Folk DVD box sets?
Derek: The Salt and Pepper Shakers!

Flashback to the scene in Birdcage.
Sal: What's that Moosehead doing here?
Diva #1: They have these in straight houses.
Sal: Why are you putting Playboy in the toilets? Don't ADD just SUBTRACT!




it eventually wasn't all that bad, Dad came over, everyone was well behaved i.e no drugs lying about on the table, no sex talk at dinner and everyone had a good time just eating a good homecooked meal with fruity sweet South African Sparkling Wine and fruitcakes heavily doused with alcohol. Although there was a bit of a kerfuffle at the beginning when Dad asked Matt if he always celebrates Christmas and Matt nonchallantly added, I'm an Athiest actually. I was pissing myself laughing in the kitchen. Thank goodness dad's coolness reigned.


Dinner was good too. Colin's beef goulash was a hit. Then there was the buttered rice, coleslaw, roasted peri-peri chicken, enriched cream of chicken soup, not to mention the Christmas goodies like cookies, snow capped macadamia brownies, rich moist caramel fruitcake, stollen and pannetone.




So we all had ourselves a Merry Little Christmas Eve... what more could a gay boy ask for? Family, good friends, great food, a visit from the dear ol' friend and fantastic presents. Not to mention going out clubbing just as soon as the last guest left the house.

All in all a Merry Christmas.

Who is gay on Sesame Street?

~sung to the theme song of Sesame Street~

Sunny days, chasing the clouds away,

On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me who is gay?

Who is gay on Sesame Street?

Come and play, boys on boys, hey OK!

Friendly Gaybars, yes, that's where we meet.

Can you tell me who is gay?

Who is gay on sesame Street?

Well boys and boys, we ALL know the fact that Bert and Ernie aren't just good friends living together right? But what about the other characters?


There's Big "Bird" who always plays with his best friend's Snuffy's Snuffle. Tsk tsk, Gay gay gay.


Then there's Elmo who likes being tickled pink all the time. Lets put him in as G.I.T (Gay in Training)


There's Grover who always flails his wrists. everytime when he's happy, sad,depressed, angry whenever! And the song that he sings?"Around, around, around, around, over and under and through". If that's not a versatile statement, then I don't know what is!


Of course there's Telly who's a queer as the pink fur on his body. Don't forget his best friend is "Baby bear" from Goldilocks. Talk about preferential types!


Then there's Oscar the grouch. His pet is a worm. A Male Inch worm. He's no size queen definitely.
Well, I guess the question we should be asking is who is NOT gay on Sesame Street!

Dreams desserts and vanilin dung

Recently a plethora of friends' dreams have been coming true or about to come true. A good friend finally got her job overseas albeit the work visa problems, another friend is finally getting work and striving toward working for her uncle in London. One more good friend might have his dream restaurant up and running sooner than you can say "Have you got a liquor licence?"" This puts me into thinking what are my dreams? Where has my work led me? I've got a good job which although doesn't pay vast amounts of cash it does however expose me to a whole range of things, products and concoctions about pastry that I could only dream of if I were to work somewhere else locally. I'd love to own my own place. Great food and great service. Non-pretentious and secluded.

It would be fantastic and challenging to come up with the food, simple bistro fare and fantastic desserts. Summer berry terrines and chocolate caramel ice creams. Jade coloured pistachio and jet black sesame seed macaroons. Savoury bread and butter pudding with chunks of brioche, melted cheese and bacon. Pumpkin seed bread and milky butter loaves.

What with all the advances of food technology today we could create a whole new menu which challenges the boundaries of cuisine. Dessert first, main's last? Who knows? Even the Japanese scientists have come up with a method to extact vanillin (vanilla extract) from cow dung. They assure us it would be used for soaps and shapooos only because it wouldn't be profitably acceptable or socially feasible to have it in food. But it's okay to put it on our bodies and in our hair? Maybe room fresheners? Make your room smelling of the sweet vanilla of cow dung extract! What's next? Beer distilled from Kobe beef cows since they're drinking it already.

This isn't going anywhere... my dreams are on "slow" at the moment til I sort out my current life situation. Til then I'll keep on making beautiful and delicious desserts along with ice cream which you can slice with a paring knife easily because nothing less of perfection is expected in the Lost Horizon.....

Adieu.

Chickchickchickchick CHICKEN

The Chicken Song

Hold a Chicken in the air

stick a deck chair up your nose

Buy a jumbo jet

and then bury all your clothes

Paint your left knee green

and extract your wisdom teeth

Casserole your Gran

and Pretend your name is Keith

If the H5N1 bird flu virus really strikes this part of the world in a big way then I might be out of a job. Can you imagine a pastry kitchen without eggs? Can you imagine breakfast without eggs? Can you imagine how dull and foamless ckes would be without eggs? What about macaroons? ~sighs~ What we have taken for granted. Chicken, the safe meat. The meat that most everyone in the world can eat and not have to think about religious consequences (except for devout Catholics on Fridays) is losing popularity.

Egg prices have dropped by a few cents to encourage buying. Sales of freshly slaughtered fowl is on the decline. The local government is having a Kempen Makan Ayam (Eat Chicken Campaign) for goodness sakes. We pish-toshed when the Thai government had a cabinet meeting and served disease-free chicken dishes. And now it's seemingly close. Outbreak in Gombak, although contained, is still too close too home. There's an LRT stop at Gombak for goodness sakes! God forbid someone infected might just ride on the train to KLCC, sneeze and lo and behold we're infected right in the middle of KL.

It all sounds bleak and scary but I for one am not going to stop patronising KFC (if not only for their dreamy kitschy cheezy wedges) or ordering "burger ayam double special".

I was having lunch with a part timer at work the other day and he was eating just veggies and rice (the meat for the day was roasted honey chicken) and he didn't want to eat it.

Wayne: You're eating chicken. Aren't you worried?
Me: Worried about what? the bird flu? Forget about it.
Wayne: Waaa you don't want to live anymore ha?
Me: It's not that. But I'm not afraid to die. ~grin~

For proponents of chicken I say lets have kai fun (chicken rice) now! We'll dress up in fathers and eat em up real fast. We'll savour the taste of succulent roasted thighs and breaded and crumbed fried chicken chop.

I LOVE ANIMALS

they taste great

Bless my soul!

Oh Blessed St. Mary of Drag Queens,

Bless your never humble servants

with grace, jewels and support hosts,

Gay-men

Brian (Connie & Carla)

Looks like someone's looking out for us fabulously marginalised people.
Check this out and keep the bible sprouting enthusiasts at bay!

http://www.gaychurch.org/Gay_and_Christian_YES/gay_and_christian_yes.htm

***coming soon to a theatre near you!***

Morning Sickness : The Musical

~chuckles~

here's another one of those kinda songs

WARNING : Contents may offend those with less of a sense of humour.

Cue track : What's Goin On? (By the 4 Non-Blondes)

29 days of this month and still
My sanitary pad is still not filled with blood
From my mensturation..

I realised briefly about six weeks back
it was about that time I got into the sack with a guy
And he had no condom..

and so I cried that time when I begin to think
"The pregnancy test came out blue not pink!"
and I got a feeling, I needed to puke yeah

And so I wake in the morning
with a vomit reflex, clutched the toilet bowl
down goes my head, I'm screamin
Mornin Sickness!!

And I go uggghhh uuughh ugh ugh-ugh (vomitting sounds)
uggghhh uuughh ugh
I say ughhhhh... morning sickness!

And I tried
to stop my puke, yeah I cried
into the toilet bowl
for a solution

In a daze
oh my mind's in a maze
for days and days and days
i thought of abortion...

and so I cried that time when I begin to think
"The pregnancy test came out blue not pink!"
and I got a feeling, I needed to puke yeah

And so I wake in the morning
with a vomit reflex, clutched the toilet bowl
down goes my head, I'm screamin
Mornin Sickness!!

And I go uggghhh uuughh ugh ugh-ugh (vomitting sounds)
uggghhh uuughh ugh
I say ughhhhh... morning sickness!

***watch this space***

Suggestion : Get a couple of friends, dress up in school uniform and smoke outside the school gates during monday assembly.

~chuckles~

Merry Drinkmas and a Tipsy New Year

Have yourself a wasted little Christmas

Let your wine be white

From now on we'll throw out all the coke and sprite!

Have yourself a lil sherry this Christmas

make your tippisiness stay

Til New Year your soberness is miles away

Here we are Happy-hour day

Whisky sour days or more

Drinking friends who get drunk with us

Get pissed near to us once more

Through the week we all will be a sipping

Beer like Kobe cows

Hang a left! Avoid the police check somehow!

And have yourself a hangover this Christmas now

**Sung to the tune of *duh* 'Have yourself a merry little Christmas'

Hello

***sung to the tune of Hello by Lionel Ritchie***

I've been a virgin til I was 29

But in my dreams, I lost it quick, a thousand times

I sometimes wish I was more of a whore..

Hello, it's a lay I'm looking for

Can't you see it in my eyes,

In my own perverted smile

Some sex is all I wanted

and my legs are opened wide

Tell me how to be a tart

Cause I really wanna screw

But let me start by saying...

I'll fuck you

~~~~~duhhhhhhh!~~~~~~~

Scene 1

guest : what flavour ice cream do you have?

me: Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, green tea and saffron

guest: You don't have yam?

me : No ma'am we don't. Sorry about that. Would you like to try something else?

guest : What about sweet corn?

me : No ma'am, it's only chocolate, vanilla, srawberry, green tea and saffron

guest : Haaaiyah.... what about durian? don't have also ah? what kind of 5 star hotel is this... etc etc..

**you can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to eat ice-cream**


Scene 2


me (in my chef uniform) : Good evening sir, how may I help you?

guest : I want some coffee..(foot tapping impatiently)

me : You may order coffee from the wait-staff sir. They'll be happy to send it to you at your table.

guest : You mean you're not a waiter ah?

me : No sir, I am part of the kitchen crew (indicating my uniform)

guest : ohhhh like that ah? You have durian ice cream ah?


****

I guess when it comes to guests, even at a 5-star hotel, class isn't a pre-requisite. There are the genuinely nice guests who come up to us and say hello. But they're one in a million. There are some.... ~grunts~ like

a) The dessert destroyer. He comes and mangles all the beautifully garnished petit desserts like a heat seeking missle bound for hell. *smash smash smash* and the cheesecake lies in rubbles as if Iraqi planes had dropped bombs on known American sites.

b) The hound. Sniffs at every dessert and picks it up and scans it with laser accuracy before putting it down again and picking up a brand new untouched one leaving her thumbprints as well as her unhygenic germs on the once immaculate dessert platter.

c) The I'm-on-a-diet. Asks about the desserts that are low fat, low sugar low carb low everything. I restain from pointing out the banana leaves used to underline the malaysian kueh and saying sweetly, "That would suit you fine Miss" Oh ans she also cuts the slices of cake in half (although they are already quite small) because they don't want to eat it all and don't want to waste it.

d) The Chcolate fountain fiend. He comes, he skewers and he messess up the whole fountain dropping blots of melted chocolate everywhere that is clean and on the floor. He double dips his wafer fans! UGH who wants to eat your saliva buddy?

e) The Late Bloomer. They rack up to the dessert line 2 minutes before closing time and ask, are YOU closing ALREADY? **cue the daggers from the eyes** Then proceeds to ask favours like, I want everything that's chocolate or I want fresh crepes and two chocolate mint souffles plus seven ice kacang with assorted ice creams.

f) The Takeaway Towkay. Although they are so well off they still resort to asking for takeaway from the buffet line.I shake my head in disbelief ALL the time when they request for takeaway. Or worse, they wait til you're clearing the desserts and ask for it because "You're gonna throw it away anyway right?"


Okay I've had my rant for today.... talk about kitchen confidentials ~laughs~

Au revoir my lovelies!